Fraud to Freedom
I love change and the opportunity for a new beginning. Planning and having something to look forward to brings me joy. But having something to look forward to also often brings out the unrealistic perfectionist in me: you might know Perfectionism- the first cousin to other strongholds known as Anxiety and Worry.
After selling our house last month, my husband and I moved into a camper with our two 70-pound boxers. It’s difficult to admit, but the change in our living circumstances has not brought out the very best in me. Moving from a 1500-square-foot house with a fenced-in yard into a 30-foot-long space has been challenging to say the least. I can only pray it doesn’t take longer than the projected 12 to 18 months to build our house.
Cranky, agitated, irritable, and mopey all describe the mood I settled into for a few weeks after our move. Why? I could attempt to justify my attitude by explaining how challenging everything has felt. But why would I go on and on about how cramped, untidy, and out of sorts my environment feels when I have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to? That brings me to the next phase of this stronghold cycle…guilt.
Guilt was something that sought to attach itself to me early in life. Just as Perfectionism is related to Anxiety and Worry, Guilt is the sibling to Shame and Fear. Too many times, I have given Guilt the power to speak lies over my life. Lies such as, “You’re not good enough.”, “Look what you’ve done.”, and “You’re a fraud.”. Lies the enemy would have me focus on and replay repeatedly, causing a constant battle in my mind.
While I know the enemy plays on our weaknesses, I wonder if he considers the intricate ways God created us- especially for those who can identify faith as our number one core value. Being introspective, I am a classic diplomat and have no trouble sticking to my ideals. I tend to inspect my thoughts and actions to the tenth degree…and friends- sometimes, that is exhausting.
I’m also that person who is curious to know why people do the things they do or respond and react the way they do. I love personality tests and questionnaires. One of my favorites is Meyer’s Briggs Personality Assessment. My results indicate the INFJ personality type (Introverted, Intuitive, Feelings, Judging). Considered the rarest of the personality types, it’s often referred to as the “Advocate,” “Idealist,” and even “a walking contradiction.”
It’s interesting to think about this from the perspective of how God designed me, how my experiences influenced me, and God’s plan for my life. I think it’s so fascinating to know more about how and why people perceive the world and make their decisions.
Looking back on the difficulty I’ve had adjusting to our new living situation and connecting the dots between the cycle of distress, anxiety, and guilt I built up makes me think that maybe this is the reason for my love, patience, and empathy for children. I can very quickly take myself back to specific moments in my childhood for which I felt shame and fear because of an honest mistake or because things were not in perfect order. I know I’m not seven years old anymore, but I also know how significantly the words and actions of adults impacted the growing mind of the child in me. I can’t imagine not having my faith as a pillar to support the condition of my mind and spirit when things get tough now.
So, being the strategic God, He is, the Lord once again used a friend to speak truth over my life at just the right time this month. This friend’s love language is “words of affirmation,” and because she is a constant encourager, I tell her how grateful I am to have her as a friend as much as I can.
Three weeks into my spiral, the Lord used my dear friend to demonstrate a different kind of transparency and authenticity through her than He had before. This time, he didn’t necessarily use her words of encouragement. He used her reaction to a set of circumstances for which she had said things some would have regretted or felt ashamed of after the fact.
I’m not sure how my friend felt after expressing her anger the way she did, but she did share the other person’s reaction with me. And the other person’s reaction was also to lash out, saying things like, “You call yourself a Christian.” and “Now you're going to church to raise your hands to praise the Lord.” It took a while, but I understood why my friend shared this with me at the exact time she did.
It took three weeks into my and my husband’s (and the dog’s) new circumstances for me to be willing to pause my thoughts long enough to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit say, “You are not a fraud; you may be flawed, but you are not a fraud.” The moment this happened, I Immediately felt the chains fall. And those long-lost relatives I meet up with from time to time- Perfectionism, Anxiety, Worry, Guilt, Shame, and Fear, all silently walked away from my mind and spirit.
The Lord didn’t stop there. I’m here to tell you that this was indeed a busy month for my spiritual walk…
By learning a difficult diagnosis of another dear friend, God has created the most beautiful environment of safety and compassion. Her diagnosis is something I’ve lived through- not in my own body but as an individual who has experienced the impact of someone else’s symptoms. Why does this matter so much? It matters because we both received healing as I sat with her, listened, and empathized. And now, every time I feel compelled to pray for her, I can feel the power of the Holy Spirit working on her behalf and in her life.
Our pastor recently spoke of cycles of generational curses. I can deeply relate to generational strongholds. I believe those have had a lot to do with the unreasonable expectations I tend to put on myself and my need for control and order over my immediate environment. In a couple of his most recent sermons, our pastor has also emphasized that through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can overcome and stop generational curses within our lineage. We may still have moments we realize we’ve brought something from the past with us, and we may have moments we look back and think to ourselves, “Oh, that’s probably why I do that.”
I have those moments. But I’ve purposefully set up an internal reminder. I’ve created an established RSVP, accepting a supernatural invitation from God not to return and stay in those places. I’ve accepted a permanent invitation to join Him in the space of promised freedom that I won’t ever find anywhere else. Receiving that takes an intentional effort to hear His voice at the most unexpected times…
As a result of damage from hurricane Sally in 2020, our church had to undergo a significant renovation. Once the structural damage was repaired and before the carpet was laid, our pastor had our congregation meet in the sanctuary for a service unique to that point in time. Our directions were to choose scripture, names of those we’d like to remember, prayers, etc., to write on the concrete floors of the sanctuary.
I closed my eyes and opened my heart to what the Lord would have me choose. That day I wrote three names on the concrete floor of what is now known as Legacy Church. Those three names represent three generations—three generations of women who are no longer here, however, share a lineage.
While I understand the lives of the three women I wrote down had a significant impact on who I am today, I am also confident that many of the adversities, strongholds, and difficulties they faced stopped at my birth. Not because they didn’t know the same God that I know, but because it would be a part of His plan for me to stop a cycle that had claimed a significant portion of each of their lives.
That day, and many days after, when I’ve thought of Clara, Joyce, and Deborah (my great-grandmother, grandmother, and mother), I didn’t think of my attachment to their lives in the same way, I did before. The day I wrote their names down was the day I prayed to leave their chains on the concrete floor of a church building. And I prayed to God that if I ever picked them back up, he would help me place them back in the past. Leaving their chains in the past has helped me preserve memories that focus on their strengths and love for Jesus rather than their flaws.
Although I witnessed the chains they all carried, they are not mine to carry. And although I experience the remnants of what was left behind from time to time, I know, as my pastor says, “The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence.”
Something I’ve come to realize since hearing Holy Spirit speak over me, “You are not a fraud. You may be flawed, but you are not a fraud.” is that I am allowed to show myself the same grace and understanding that I’m willing to give to others. I’m starting to believe more and more that I’m worthy of the same forgiveness and empathy I have for others who make mistakes.
The first friend that I spoke of above, I didn’t judge her for the things she told me she said. And I know she doesn’t remain in the anger she expressed. How do I know this? Because of who she is in Christ and the countless ways I observe her demonstrate her faith and the love she has for Jesus. And just like me, she may have flaws, but she’s not a fraud.
The second friend- the “diagnosis,” it’s not who she is. She may have symptoms to overcome, but she also has the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within her. I’ve asked her to imagine what the road to recovery would look like if she didn’t have that presence in her life. There’s no prescription like it…and I know this to be true. I haven’t walked beside just one person with the same diagnosis, so I have several points of reference- the ones who know Jesus intimately and personally have had an outcome that could only reflect the freedom we can receive through Christ.
I started a draft of this post on May 7th- three weekends from the date we closed on our house and moved into our camper. And here I sit three more weekends from that date. I can’t help but feel the timing is significant with all I’ve said here.
For a while, I wasn’t sure if I was procrastinating or if the Lord wanted me to wait to finish this post for specific reasons. I’ve felt frustrated, and admittedly, I haven’t demonstrated a lot of patience with His plan (in more ways than one) over the past month. However, yesterday morning I received confirmation that it was now time to finish my writing for this post.
I’ve been studying the book of Jonah, and I even compared my stubbornness to his in a Facebook post earlier this month. I felt there would be a connection and relevance here in this space, but I wasn’t sure how to articulate that until now.
There is such a strategically detailed, divine plan to every breath we take. This thought overwhelms me. At the time of my creation, God knew where I would be and what I would be experiencing and battling in May 2022. He also knew He would make me a messenger of His word. But not before many moments in which I would require grace to move forward.
And now, I understand for my message to serve His whole purpose, in May 2022, I had to stop running, demonstrate patience, and surrender to Him- all so I could stop feeling the weight of the chains I had already learned to leave behind.
Did He use guilt or shame to redirect me? No, He used the experiences of my friends, the words of my pastor, and the love of a Father. He protected me even when I didn’t realize it, directed me to wait, and showed me an amount of grace I can’t even fully understand.
But, the grace He shows me has an even bigger purpose than the parameters of who I am in Him. The grace He extends to me radiates beyond my circumstances for all who accept Him. Just as He did in the book of Jonah…
As believers, we may have flaws, and we may at times run away, but we are not frauds. We are children of God. And it’s through His grace; He guides us to serve a purpose within a much bigger plan than we can understand.
I pray that before I find myself sitting in the belly of a whale again, I can reflect on the names I wrote on the concrete floor of Legacy Church, using their lives as a point of reference and not a place to remain. I pray that I can look back to May 2022 and once again see the evidence of His goodness and grace. And I pray that the message He had me bring to you today gives you the confidence you need to live out the rest of your days, knowing that although you have flaws, you are not a fraud. You are a beautiful child of God, meant to serve as a detail in a plan much more significant than we’ll ever understand.
