Freedom Tears
About a month ago, I was almost certain God was directing me to write something about oak trees. I pondered over scripture, reflected on how drawn I feel to oak trees, and patiently waited for the Lord to give me the words. But within a couple of days, the urgency I specifically felt about oak trees subsided.
It wasn’t until God spoke to me through a conversation with a dear friend at church, several mornings of Bible journaling, and multiple tear-filled moments that He pressed into my spirit what He wanted me to share here today.
I have to admit that tears are somewhat of a trademark for me. But just as in other areas of my life, my tears have shifted most recently. It has been several weeks since the first time I experienced something I refer to as freedom tears. My tears that day were unlike any other, and I know they were released as a direct result of the presence of the Holy Spirit rather than my emotions. These freedom tears have been the driving force behind God unexpectedly using one area of my life to speak to another.
At the beginning of April, I met a friend for lunch to catch up and celebrate my birthday a little early. First, this is a significant treat for me to have the opportunity to leave work and go out to lunch…secondly, I always know time spent with this friend means time talking about Jesus and us encouraging one another in meaningful ways.
Our lunch date was just as I expected, leaving me feeling encouraged and uplifted. Through our conversation, my friend shared with me that there are times she thinks about the most random things, thanking God and reflecting on how intentional He is. She used the example of eyelashes. She said that knowing her, she would probably have designed humans with one eye and without eyelashes. While her comments made me giggle, I’ve often thought back to that conversation since our lunch date. And I love how God uniquely used our silliness and giggles in the days following…
Have you ever stopped to think about how God created our ability to produce tears, how they feel when they come out of our eyes, how our eyes react to things in the environment or the various reasons we cry tears?
I’m known to cry when I’m happy for others or when I get to experience someone else’s joyful moments with them. For example, my husband loves to talk about the time I cried when a woman won a car on the Price is Right… I much prefer the stories of how I cried when all of my sister's children were born. But, regardless of the circumstance, each time I cry them, my tears of joy seem to puddle in the corners of my eyes, forcing me to blink so they can be released and shared with others.
There are other tears I don’t have to force from my eyes, and those tears are often a result of feelings of shame or guilt. Those tears sting and stream out of my eyes like saltwater taken from the sea. If I’ve ever felt or am told that I disappointed someone, the tears that follow feel like they will never end. They burn and hurt my spirit as much as they do my eyes.
If you understand what it means to be triggered by specific words or situations that cause you to return to a fragile point in time, you may recognize the way disappointment tears feel.
A couple of months ago, the same friend I mentioned above shared that my lack of response to a specific situation disappointed her. While I followed my instinct to offer an apology and ask for forgiveness rather than make excuses or be offended, I will say that hearing the word disappointment triggered me into a tailspin for the rest of that day. I had disappointed my friend. And when I say I cried that day, I cried like a child who couldn’t catch their breath…
However, grateful for a friend who isn’t passive-aggressive, I felt she did the right thing by sharing how my not speaking up made her feel. Ultimately my friend knows I would never intentionally hurt her because she knows my heart. And let me tell you, having experienced the wrath of passive-aggressive behavior before, my friend’s choice of direct honesty is enough to cause me to cry tears of joy.
God, being the sovereign yet gentle God He is, reminded me that day that the way my lack of action impacted her had nothing to do with my feelings. That day’s disappointment was about her and her experiences- not mine. It wasn’t until later that I would know just how significant the disappointment tears I cried were.
You see, I realized the Lord had not only used my tears to offer healing to our friendship through forgiveness, but He also used those tears to heal scars from a word that had tormented and afflicted me for years.
Because my friend and I share the same devotion to our faith and know how healing forgiveness is, the bond between us is mended. That assurance is called grace, and I'm grateful she and I are friends. After all, I believe the most valuable friendships are based on mutual respect and the willingness to show up and give grace.
Paul writes of this type of grace in Colossians chapter three. There he paints a beautiful picture of living a new life in Christ, boldly stating that Christ lives within all of us. He also encourages us to think about how our real lives are not of this world but of heaven.
In Colossians 3:12-13, Paul writes,
“12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive one anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”.
These verses carry the weight of the tears I cried when my friend told me she was disappointed, but they also represent who we are and who lives within us. And that’s precisely why she was able to express how she felt hurt by my lack of action and accept my apology without hesitation.
Wanting to ensure I’m doing my part, I care about how I make others feel. And I often find myself feeling what others feel. As difficult as it can be, I thank God for giving me the ability to show empathy to others. As I shared in my post, Tears with Purpose, I’ve experienced healing and restoration in my willingness to cry outwardly for someone else’s burdens. As I expressed in that post, tears of empathy wiped away a decade of tears of sadness.
Putting this post, Freedom Tears, into motion has been somewhat of a challenge for me over the past few weeks. I felt pressed to write to you about oak trees next, as I previously mentioned. So, getting to this point took pushing through circumstantial exhaustion and self-doubt. It also took reminders from the book of Ephesians to get through what I’m pretty sure has been spiritual warfare. Paul writes,
“10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Ephesians 6:10-17
The Lord knew I would be working long days, selling our home, packing, moving into a camper, and planning for a new home…all while building and ministering through Gift of Three. Furthermore, He knew how the enemy would target my mind, body, and spirit during this time. And God knew there would be tears…
Over the past several weeks, I have been pushed to my emotional limits in many ways. But what I now see is that regardless of any tears shed, the armor Paul describes above equates to my growth in boldness.
The same friend I mentioned above asked me a question during our April lunch date. She asked me what I’ve learned this year about the focus word I chose in January. I told her that the Lord had shown me how critical it is to face the enemy with boldness before stepping out in boldness in other ways.
While knowing this armor is available gives me strength, I’ve also experienced other ways in which the Lord assists me in defeating the enemy. These victories come from the power of the Holy Spirit- these are my freedom tears.
Jim Hammerle referred to spiritual weeping as a kingdom tool, saying, “This type of sowing is not part of a church soul-winning program, but the liquid unconditional love of My Father pouring through your spirit and out your eyes.”. Hammerle’s words couldn’t ring more true for me in this season. Let me try to explain.
Relationships (with family and friends) are complicated, especially when we think they fill a void when they actually don’t. I recently found myself at the altar, weeping over a relationship that is often difficult for me to understand and navigate. I know many of us have found ourselves in that place.
Following service that Sunday, God planned a divine appointment for me and another of my dear friends. After confiding in my friend about my struggle, she met me right where I was. Paraphrasing, she said things like,
“God may not always want us to carry relationships with us into the next season.”
“Sometimes relationships don’t serve a purpose within a specific season.”
“Maybe the Lord is protecting you from that relationship for a specific reason.”
Hearing God speak wisdom through my friend that day was life-changing. The following week at church, I wept again. However, this time something supernatural happened as I prayed. Time around me stood still, and the tears that poured down my cheeks didn’t feel like any other tears I had ever cried before. And, strangely, it didn’t feel like I was the one crying the tears.
I want to be careful not to “explain” in my own human words and through my own human emotions what this could have been. I know for sure that it confirmed the power of the Holy Spirit within me. And because I have that, I now have peace from what I was struggling with before my and my friend’s conversation the week before.
The tears I cried that day felt like freedom tears. They streamed down my face without first burning my eyes; they felt like freshwater pouring from deep within my soul. Those tears were a gift that day.
The devil hates those times of healing and freedom. So much that he takes the time to creep back in, trying to leave his nasty fingerprints all over the progress made. Since I first experienced freedom tears, he has done that, and I know he’ll try to do it again.
A week after crying those tears of freedom, I faced a challenging circumstance at work. Crying the heaviest tears I had cried in a long time, I decided to pull out my Bible and put on my armor. The remainder of that week wasn’t perfect, but the Lord stood by me in my effort. And he stood by me when the enemy kept trying to call me a fraud that entire week.
Amid last week’s storm, my sovereign yet gentle God whispered the following words to my spirit,
“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They will weep as they go to plant the seed, but they will sing as they return with the harvest.” Psalm 126 5-6
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8
He also reminded me of a card I picked out several years ago for a person I’ve recently been praying for. The front of that card had the most beautiful picture of an oak tree, and the message inside described our relationship as being as strong as an oak that had endured years of weather. This oak was so deeply rooted that no storm could take it out. This reminder was another spirit-filled gift my heart needed. Isn’t His timing perfect?
The day after crying those heavy tears last week, I attended a worship night service at church. I don’t remember the exact song, but I closed my eyes and prayed during my worship. I saw shadows moving around me in a circle on the other side of my closed eyelids. It looked and felt like angels dancing around me. And as I opened my heart to what the Lord would have me receive, I cried the same freedom tears I had cried a couple of weeks before.
In the past, I’ve been told I’m too sensitive for being someone who often expresses myself through tears. I am sure there have been times I needed to self-reflect when becoming emotional, but I also know I was created this way for a reason. God was intentional with his design- even when it came to crying tears. He gives me tears of joy, empathy, regret, and freedom, to name a few. And for that, I am grateful. It took a while to get there, but I’m learning to love and accept the areas God created in me for strength rather than viewing them as weaknesses.
God assures us that our heavenly relationships will be nothing like our earthly relationships. Sometimes our relationships change just as the seasons do. But how comforting is it to know that earthly seasons do not compare or equate to our eternity with Christ? There is no other relationship like our relationship with him- He never changes.
While I remain on this earth, I will put on the spiritual armor Paul speaks of in Ephesians, cry tears of freedom delivered through the power of the Holy Spirit and continue to use both of those tools to glorify the kingdom of God boldly.
